At this moment I am 32 years old. And like many men in their early 30s, I grew up on the music of Weezer. And quite honestly, I don’t think there’s a band on earth that could’ve provided a better soundtrack to my formative high school years. In other words…
NERD!!!
Most of the true “jocks” still looked at me like this in high school, even though I was somewhat athletic.
Yes, I was a nerd!
But listening to Weezer gave me some solace, some perspective, and dare I say it, even a little romance (of the unrequited variety, granted) as I wandered despondently through the crowded, chaotic, and hormone-infused halls of my nondescript high school in the suburbs of Seattle.
In this post, I’ll talk about Rivers’ hair loss, how he handled it, and offer some other general tips about how to deal with hair loss. I’ll also review my top 10 best Weezer tracks, evaluate the hairlines of the other guys in the band, mention Matt Sharp once or twice, rewrite one of the verses of “My Name is Jonas” so it’s about hair loss instead of batteries and brothers, and a whole lot more. Yeah, you heard me right. Let’s begin…
When Rivers Started Balding
Rivers Cuomo started losing his hair sometime in his mid 30s, in a somewhat unusual manner, given his age, at the crown instead of the hairline. And he tackled his hair loss the way he tackled all his other adversities in life, love, etc: By writing a song about it!
The song was “Pork and Beans” (not exactly a masterpiece, I know.) And he addresses his follicular distress right out of the gate in the tune’s opening line:
They say I need some Rogaine to put in my hair.
Who’s they?
Who’s harassing him about his bald spot?
I can’t say for sure, but perhaps it’s his manager, agent, the record label, his band mate Brian Bell (such a luscious head of hair to this day, and the dude’s pushing 50!), maybe even a girlfriend, or maybe all of the above?!
I don’t know who pestered my favorite emotional boy of the 90s and made him pour his heart out in song, but I’m grateful to them now in a strange way, as it gives me a chance to pontificate about Weezer, hair loss, and my interest in both in this blog post…
How Rivers Dealt with Hair Loss
Anyway, how did Rivers handle going bald? Moreover, how did he deal with people around him not minding their own damn business and letting him lose his hair in peace?
By writing this chorus, of course!
“I’m gonna do the things that I wanna do
I ain’t got a thing to prove to you
I eat my candy with the pork and beans
Forgive my manners if I make a scene.”
What a weird chorus! But it’s good advice in a strange way…
As I point out in my post describing George Carlin’s best advice for balding men, it’s important, in life, NOT to give a shit. And that’s basically what Rivers was saying to all his naysayers and the people hassling him about hair loss. I’m gonna do what I wanna do, and F U if you don’t like it!
Interestingly, these days Rivers’ hair loss hasn’t really progressed much compared to his older photos. He’s rocking a pretty solid Norwood 3 pattern, with a messy, nerd-chic style that suits his geeky, middle-aged rockstar persona perfectly!
His bald spot isn’t typically visible in the performances I’ve seen (and it most certainly used to be visible)!My guess is he’s had a hair transplant or two, and perhaps uses a bit of hair concealer to fill in the patchy spots. Maybe even, gasp, a little Rogaine! It’s okay, I forgive you Rivers.
He did the things he wanted to do, and years later, he opted to get himself some hair — and good for him.
His words of wisdom in “Pork and Beans” still apply….
I ain’t gonna wear the clothes that you like
I’m fine and dandy with the me inside
one look in the mirror and I’m tickled pink
I don’t give a hoot about what you think
Forget about your critics and naysayers. Do you, as the kids say. Buzz your head, use Propecia, get a hair transplant, become a rockstar, marry a cute half-Japanese girl, or whatever. Now, just for fun…
My Top Ten Weezer Songs!
10. El Scorcho
9. Only in Dreams
8. In the Garage
7. You Gave Your Love to Me Softly (Yes, I effing love the Angus soundtrack as a whole as well!)
6. No Other One
5. The Good Life
4. Say it Ain’t So
3. My Name is Jonas
2. The World Has Turned (and Left Me Here)
HONORABLE MENTIONS
- Fall Together, always dug that one
- Slave
- Island in the Sun
- Glorious Day
- The Rest of the Blue Album
- The Rest of Pinkerton (Falling for You in particular, so much dissonance)
- Yeah, I pretty much stopped listening after “Maladroit.” But I listened to “Go Away” the other day and kind of dug that.
NOW DRUMROLL Please
MY FAVORITE WEEZER SONG OF THE ALL IS….
Across the Sea!
Absolutely epic build up, painfully honest lyrics, great solo, classic Weezer chorus, and to top it all off, a killer interlude where he shaves his head and tries to be a monk! And I always loved the opening where he paraphrases the 18-year-old Japanese girl’s letter in broken English:
You are eighteen year old girl,
who live in small city of Japan!
Just awesome!
How Bald is the Rest of Weezer?
They’re not all that bald, considering their ages (late 40s, Scott may even be 50).
Not a great picture….
But on the Norwood scale…..
I’d say Rivers is a Norwood 3 V, of course….
Scott, just a plain Norwood 3 I think…
Pat, Norwood 4-5…He’s been receding since ’94 probably and these days opts for the buzzed look.
Brian, Norwood 1! Dude’s almost 50 as I said earlier. Absolute madness.
Matt Sharp, still a member of the band in my heart (seriously, his falsetto vocals were amazing and big part of what made the band so great in the 90s). Yeah, he’s a Norwood 3 still I believe as well — and he’s been a Norwood 3 for 20-something years now, so it’s safe to say his hair loss isn’t progressing too much.
We’ve All Left the Den
(And a Lot of Us Are Going Bald)
Okay, I told you I’d rewrite a verse of “My Name is Jonas” and make it about hair loss, just like I rewrote the chorus of “The Heart of the Matter” by Don Henley and made it about hair loss. Here’s the verse (Okay it’s actually just a partial verse that I rewrote):
Guess what I received in the mail today
words of deep concern from my little brother
“It looks like I’m losing my hair
And a part of me just doesn’t care
I think I’d look alight bald
And I just had new carpet installed
the workers are going home
the workers are going home
the workers are going home
yeah!
See what I did? Turned the construction workers into carpet cleaners?
By the way, there’s a baldness epidemic in the construction field…
Wrapping It Up
Will Weezer ever reach their mid 90s heights again? I’d say it’s unlikely. And if you’re going bald, it’s unlikely that your hair will reach its mid 90s peak anytime soon. God this was a rambling post, move along now. Do yourself a favor and go listen to Pinkerton all the way through again, if you haven’t done so in awhile, like I just did. The shit still holds up and is still pretty awesome, 20 years later.
Robert Price is a writer, consumer advocate, and hair loss researcher with thousands of hours of experience in the field. His goal is to keep you out of the hair loss rabbit hole, underworld, or whatever you want to call it. He founded Hair Loss Daily, the unbiased hair loss blog, in 2016. You can learn more about Robert in the my story section of this website.