So I just watched the movie Patton over the weekend for the first time. Excellent film! The General appears to be both a stark-raving lunatic and a genius at the same time. Nothing unusual about that. He was one of the great men in US history, but perhaps not a very good person. Nevertheless, he was inspirational, very bald, badass, and he made his presence known wherever he was — and because of that, I celebrate him here.
Old School, Even by WWII Standards
Both my grandfathers were of the WWII generation. Both were old-school in their own ways — not opposed to a little child abuse, didn’t like gays especially, thought homeless people were almost always homeless because they were lazy and deserved it, and so on. But Patton made my grandfathers seem like that long-haired hippie teacher from Beavis and Butthead.
I’ll give you an example. He smacked the shit out of one of his soldiers who suffered from PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder. Not cool. He further went on to contend that PTSD, or shell shock as they referred to it then, was “an invention of the Jews.” And he told the young soldier to basically stop being a woman, and then informed him that he was going back to the front lines. He had a second, similar episode shortly thereafter. Below is a bone-chilling clip of that scene from the movie.
He Was Such a Talented General, He Could Have Got Away With Murder
Okay, not quite. But I feel like this is one major lesson we can learn from the general. If you’re good enough at something — something of significance — then it doesn’t really matter how bald you are, or how much of an asshole you are, or if you visit some questionable websites, or if you park in handicapped spaces like another famous bald asshole, Steve Jobs did.
Be great. When you’re great, all your insecurities and flaws fade into the background. I’m not advocating being an asshole. But if you focus on making a contribution to the world and settle for nothing less than excellence, people will forgive your transgressions and celebrate you. Unless you’re Bill Cosby or Hitler somebody evil like that.
“He was so bold he was dangerous,” Ronald Reagan famously said in a Patton documentary.
Major Accomplishments
- Olympian – The general was a participant in the 1912 Stockholm Olympics. He finished fifth out of 42 competitors in the modern pentathlon which consisted of five events: fencing, freestyle swimming, show jumping, pistol shooting, and cross-country running.
- Pancho Villa Expedition – Patton was a central figure in the Pancho Villa expedition of 1915 and 16. On May 14, 1916, he directed what is considered the first motorized attack in the history of US warfare, killing Villa’s right-hand man, Julio Cárdenas and wounding two others. It’s not known whether or not Patton personally killed anybody during the expedition, but the media did refer to him favorably as a “bandit killer.”
- Tank Specialist– During World War I, Patton was promoted numerous times from Captain to Coronal. He had many successes as one of the leaders of Samuel Rockenbach’s Tank Corp. To inspire his men, he once rode on top of a tank while heading into battle. He was wounded later on, too, shot in the leg. And in a letter to his wife, he said that the bullet eventually “came out just at the crack of my bottom about two inches to the left of my rectum.” Ouch!
- North African Campaign – Patton faced off against arguably the most adept Nazi general, the legendary desert fox, Erwin Rommel. Before Patton took over command in North Africa, the allies suffered crushing a string of defeats. Morale was low, and the African ally troops were undisciplined. Patton immediately initiated dramatic changes, leading a series of successful battles and outfoxing the great desert fox. The general became known as a bold and brilliant tactician, respected by his allies and enemy forces. He was often regarded as the general the Nazi’s feared and respected most.
- Sicily Campaign – In the summer of 1943, the Allies sought to overtake Sicily in order to remove naval and air forces from the island. Patton played a pivotal role in the invasion, initially leading a successful campaign into Palermo. Then there was the great Race to Messina with Field Marshall Montgomery of Britain. Patton openly despised British Military commanders, especially Montgomery, or Monty, as he called him. Patton won the race to Messina, of course. There, he knocked the hell out of the last remaining axes troops and secured victory.
- Battle of the Bulge – American troops were surrounded and over-matched in Belgium during the infamous Battle of the Bulge. Nothing short of a miracle could save them. Then, sure enough, a miracle was provided, courtesy of George Patton and perhaps the almighty himself. Patton asked Chaplain James Hugh O’Neill to compose the infamous “weather prayer” for this specific operation. The prayer worked, and Patton awarded O’Neill a Bronze Star Metal on the spot. The General then moved his Third Army at breakneck speed, through conditions that remained treacherous into Bastogne, where he provided relief and support to beleaguered allied forces. It was regarded as one of the greatest achievements of the war, and Patton himself called it “the most brilliant operation we have thus far performed.”
He Typically Wore a Helmet
And helmets hide baldness. So do cowboy hats — just ask Kenny Chesney or Garth Brooks. But I highly doubt Patton was ever insecure about his hair loss. And you shouldn’t be, either. He just loved war, his military uniform, his guns, his soldiers (usually), his country, freedom, and last but not least, wearing a helmet. To spice things up with Mrs. Patton, I bet the old General occasionally sported a helmet in the bedroom, as well. But that’s pure speculation on my part.
Memorable Patton Quotes
I’ve assembled a few noteworthy quotes from General Patton, which may be especially inspiring to my balding viewers, along with some commentary on how you can apply these quotes in your life.
- “Success is how high you bounce when you hit bottom.”
Baldness is your bottom, for now. Bounce high, be successful, be somebody. Then hair loss won’t matter.
2. “Accept the challenges, so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory.”
Whether you choose to fight hair loss or not, be a victorious person. Accept the challenges you’re dealt, persevere, devise a strategy, and win.
3. “Courage is fear holding on a minute longer.”
Next time you feel your hair loss causing a sliver of insecurity or anxiety, take a breath. Be courageous, hold on, and make your presence known, wherever you are.
4. “A good plan violently executed right now is far better than a perfect plan executed next week.”
This is especially true if you’re looking to stop your hair loss. Don’t delay too long,
5. By perseverance, study, and eternal desire, any man can become great.
And again, when you’re great, it doesn’t matter if you’re bald, an asshole, handicapped, or if you just like to park in handicapped spaces, like the aforementioned Steve Jobs did. But indeed you can be decent and gifted at the same time, as Steve Wozniak, played by Seth Rogan, says to Jobs in the Steve Jobs movie. And that would be ideal.
Should I Consider Patton for the Bald Hall of Fame?
Yes, I think I should consider Patton for my bald hall of fame. Hell, Larry David and James Gandolfini are both members! What do you think? Is Patton an admirable, bold, brilliant, bald inspiration to us all, a hero, an asshole, or all of the above? Place your vote below.
Robert Price is a writer, consumer advocate, and hair loss researcher with thousands of hours of experience in the field. His goal is to keep you out of the hair loss rabbit hole, underworld, or whatever you want to call it. He founded Hair Loss Daily, the unbiased hair loss blog, in 2016. You can learn more about Robert in the my story section of this website.